I have been really down lately, mostly just lacking any kind of constructive energy. Still he same today, but i am keeping Keeping On.
I keep getting more and more inspired by Charlie Sheen. Sure he’s an oddball and sure he’s got some wacky ideas-but hey that what were are all about. The folks who are really living their own lives. being real I guess. Simple as that.
Surprise, thats what winners do. Focus. As in stay in today.
I stay today.
Staying busy today by cleaning and preparing for a visit. We clean and clean and always there is more mess. Though it is very much more meaningful to use my energy towards my family than it is for strangers…if i stop to think about it…i guess.
Time is such a weirdly useless measure the way we use and know it. It sucks that there isn’t more progressive outspoken people in my life. I haven’t really been in position to be around others like myself. I’ve been too much of a wishy washy mealy mouth fucker. I haven’t been true to my true nature and but that is changing for the better. I am not stuck so often and getting so close to the age of 50!! LOL.
Last night was great!! I helped Lily get her homework done and then sat around and watched, participated via conversation and popcorn making while grls and mom played the wii. Very excellent time spent. It was a great evening all in all. Lily is getting so much bigger and smarter. She is so rebelious…it’s great!! but great only when one can channel that rebelion…it will be uncontrollable one day i’ll bet but we will see.
It was suggested to me to start a journal and well this is it. I have gotten myself into a fine fix and the anxiety is killing me. I was caught with a few “hits” by the police and i’ve been in jail and out and now am in the process of getting an attorney. The attorney hasn’t a bit of good news either – unless one can consider 120-day incarceration/treatment good news. I guess considering my previous record this is a good deal. The next “good” news is we can put it off for half a year. This will give me time to get some money saved back for when i get out or for the cost that are always associated with incarceration/supervision.
I don’t know how I am going to get through these next few months though. The “inevitable” is tearing me up…or should I say I am letting it tear me up. I can almost hear the clock ticking and the voices and I am already letting myself act like I am in jail. So there it is big fat white elephant which i will carry around for the next few months.
More tomorrow, i hope.
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